Leaving Uni, I felt pretty optimistic. Sad, but optimistic. I had got my degree and before I knew it I would be away to London, Manchester, Devon and various other places in the manic thread of things that all seemed to happen within July. I was ready for the next step.
To update you:
Went on holiday.
Graduated.
Got a job this winter in the French Alps.
Had my first paid modelling job.
Lived in London for two weeks.
Did some work experience.
Assisted on a campaign shoot.
Moved house.
So to be honest, I haven't really had time to take a breath. And when the dust finally all settled, I was suddenly faced with this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. The big looming question of "Well what are you going to do with yourself now?" seemed to be on everyones lips, and it really got to me. Because I didn't know. Sure I'm off on a ski season and I can't wait for it, but that's not until November. I'm in the process of applying for next summer as well, but what do I do with myself in the meantime? Right now? I don't know. What I do know is that going from University, to living with my parents again has been a massive shock to the system.
At uni I had every freedom. I could walk anywhere I wanted, take the bus or the train and not have to rely on someone being there to pick me up. Even something as simple as having all my own food in the fridge began to get to me, because I'd open the door and stare at all the things I hadn't bought and close it again. This may all sound ridiculous, but imagine the feeling of living away from home for three years, doing everything for yourself, being in charge of it all, to suddenly being in the same place you were when you were eighteen.
Yeah.
And it's not to say that I'm not grateful. I am. My mum would never complain about giving me a lift anywhere and they don't ask for any money for the food or rent, but the fact I'm relying on them fully again feels a bit... like a step in the wrong direction.
Maybe I'm overthinking everything. But then again, it's taken me two months to put this all into words. All I can say is, I don't know what I'm doing at the moment, but being able to write it all down feels like I'm getting there.
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